Afraid.
August 17th, 2007I always bear this in my mind, you know what you are doing and you shall be clearly understood what are the consequences if it happens to be another fail one in your life.
Yes, I trully understand but that doesn’t control how I feel. I can’t explain how do I feel right now. I don’t like the feeling I’m experiencing right now. Moments ago things were just going just the way it supposed to be. But now… all I experience is Fear. I’m AFRAID. I hate this insecure and emotional feelings I am experiencing now. I don’t have the courage to continue spilling everything out because I know I can’t do it.
Everynight before I sleep I think of the past.. everything… from how my parents quarrel last time then till now they don’t talk much, reaching a stage of numbness and now for the sake of obligation. I barely can explain how I feel. I failed miserably in relationships. It somehow never work for me. Once.. Twice. Somehow I don’t believe in true love anymore because human change drastically when time moves on. I see eveything influenced from my parents, friends, but I can’t blame them because they have their own mindset and thinks differently. We are special in our own way.
I guess everyone of us understand this statement,
“When a relationship duration is long everything will be different. Things changes”.
Maybe thats why long relationship just don’t last. Well at least never happen to me.. both didn’t last long.. I’m getting sick of it. I feel like bashing up myself when I recall everything. From the sweet ones to the bitter ones. I’m such a failure. I blame myself on it. I plant plenty of efforts in it but never succeded in the end. Life goes on.. I went on.. once again I planted a new seed hoping it will grow just like the way I want it to be. But things just don’t go the way you like and the way you want. I mean it NEVER will be the way you prefer. I am afraid when everything dies and collapse, it haunts me and it hits me badly.. it is totally mind torturing. I don’t really know how to handle relationship problem. It always never work perfectly for me. I got stucked in the middle most of the time.
But why? Why when I work so hard for it and in the end I got nothing?
Not a single payback earned?
I don’t dare to take the risk anymore. I’m really really tired and afraid. I am feeling agonized. But we can’t runaway from the fact right?
I can’t afford to play this kinda game anymore. I can’t afford to lose again. Not until I can rationally think like a matured adult and be wise. I don’t know which path should I take now.
I have no regrets. I really enjoy spending time with you and I trully appreciate it…
I Love You
Maybe I should just stop walking.
August 17th, 2007 at 9:28 am
But why? Why when I work so hard for it and in the end I got nothing?
Not a single payback earned?
didn’t you told me that we shouldn’t have this mindset?
August 17th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Cheer up! Life has its ups and downs, things will be alright eventually. *hugs*
August 17th, 2007 at 11:31 am
abby, everyone does failed before.. erm, long term relationship don’t last?
cheers. huggies!
well, i still believe in it even though i failed before.
from what I can see, people do give effort and time and feeling or loving to something/someone,
and you ought to not expect anything in return.
I know it’s easy to be said than done but i’m hella sure that you can do it.
i used to be just as emo as I can,
but whenever i think that ‘if we kept on thinking how bad this person is,
you’re not loving this person anymore.’
never give up on something easily, because u wouldn’t know what comes tomorrow.
August 17th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
Hello! glad that you shared everything on blog. We cai-cai company you sad, ok? I broke up 2 weeks ago too, end of 3 years relationship. But hey, we have friends around us ma right? My friend drove hundreds of kms just to company me. And that really makes me think “hmm, luckily got friend. single doesn’t mean end of everything”.
.. only that you have to wait the next one to appear. You grow up after every relationship
I benefited from it. think positive my friend.
August 18th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
hey hey… it’s alright… these things sometimes comes and go, besides looking forward to a long term relationship is better than having a short term relationship rite?
Cheers…
August 19th, 2007 at 12:56 am
sapa itu cakap breakup? =.=
August 20th, 2007 at 3:10 am
if that relationship didnt work, good thing it ended now rather than after having getting engaged/married/having children. everything happened for a reason and most of the time for the good of it. when u grow up later and while looking back at yr life, u’ll really laugh over it.
furthermore, whatever has happened has happened and make the best out of everything in yr life. yr life doesnt end right at that point of time even tho it cld be very sad/hurt.
and from what u had experienced, it cld be from yr experience that u cld share with a fren of yrs who may go thru similar things like what u had experienced. so life is not just yr own self but getting to share with one anor!
enjoy yr life. take time off to recuperate (everyone needs it) and come back stronger!!